Flailing around

Any discerning reader will probably tell me that I am not focused, repetitive and talking around something.   I feel like I am in an ocean flailing around trying not to sink.  I don’t want to grab ahold of it.  It is there in my sight but it slips through my fingers.  Sometimes I am tired flailing around but often I just get frustrated.  When I stop flailing, if I can, I don’t like what I see.  Flailing itself is a way of not confronting what I need to confront.  It is activity with a pseudo purpose and I can feel gratified, I can hide.  That’s what I want to do tonight – hide behind my flailing.  I could do so by grabbing ahold of every newspaper article that I’d like to criticize.  There are numbers of them.  My favorite target has a beauty of an editorial I’d like to tear to pieces.  That would help me hide from myself, from my own issue.

What is “it”?  I’ll describe “it”.  I went to two church events last week.  Both times I was left feeling angry.  Good people saying good things but these well meaning people were making me angry.  In my head I am screaming: “I am so tired of invocation of the Holy Spirit to justify what people think.”  I’m tired of the “spirit inspired me” talk, etc.

There, I wrote it.  It sounds like I’m judging them but I am discomforted with myself.  Who am I to dismiss another’s inspiration?  Who am I not to give praise to the Spirit?  Do I believe in the Trinity?  That’s a leap I know but sometimes I get very Christocentric and forget both the Father and the Spirit.  I often go to the Father, probably not as much as I should but do I even think of the Spirit in the same way?  I ignore the Spirit as a separate person in God.  I take the Spirit for granted but also as something different from my internal inspirations – but perhaps that is who the Spirit is.  I don’t know.  I don’t like acknowledging this.  I understand the Trinity but I ignore the Spirit.  I shouldn’t. I need pay attention to this.

I could have continued to hide but Sunday’s readings drew more of this out of me.  Read for yourself.  Food for thought in so many different ways.

Reading 2 1 Cor 12:4-11 taken from here

Brothers and sisters:
There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit;
there are different forms of service but the same Lord;
there are different workings but the same God
who produces all of them in everyone.
To each individual the manifestation of the Spirit
is given for some benefit.
To one is given through the Spirit the expression of wisdom;
to another, the expression of knowledge according to the
same Spirit;
to another, faith by the same Spirit;
to another, gifts of healing by the one Spirit;
to another, mighty deeds;
to another, prophecy;
to another, discernment of spirits;
to another, varieties of tongues;
to another, interpretation of tongues.
But one and the same Spirit produces all of these,
distributing them individually to each person as he wishes.



About sisterbernice

I am a practicing Catholic in love with the Lord. Whatever his failings, I recognize the same in our Pope Emeritus, Benedict XVI. He serves as one of my great teachers. A truly misunderstood figure, I hope all who have reviled him might actually read him and find their way to God.
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