Tonight I reviewed my blog. It started out to be a place to renew myself during the Year of Faith but my plan blew apart when Benedict left. I noticed that I did not stay focused afterwards. My posts were not as prayerful or attentive to my original intention. I renamed my blog and shifted my focus which could account for this but I think there is still something lacking in my efforts. In thinking about it, I realized that I’m still in mourning. I’m still saying “I like Francis but…” But – I still feel abandoned.
Francis really has no effect on me. I am glad others are enthusiastic. I like and support him but I am not enthusiastic. I struggled for awhile with – “there must be something wrong with me”; and the thought – “he’s God’s Choice and I must like him” – caused interior stress. You can’t force yourself to LIKE someone you like. That sounds strange but it’s true. I like him and pray for him but I don’t LIKE him. He doesn’t feed my soul but I’m grateful he feeds others. He is Peter.
I feel abandoned though because my soul was fed on a regular basis by Benedict. Re-reading Benedict helps. And, perhaps my feelings of abandonment will prompt me to go deeper into my faith, independent of him. Maybe, I’m like the women in the Gospel after Jesus. I’m sure Peter didn’t feed their soul like the master did. They had to journey together with Peter. They had their own experience to guide them and to walk together with him. Perhaps I just need to own that I don’t need something from the outside and can walk alone but also in communion. I thought I had been doing this but I haven’t. I’ve felt alone, put upon, resentful as people have moved on and as many have touted Francis as the “un-Benedict”. I’m sure Benedict would cringe at the thoughts in this paragraph advising me that all along he was pointing to Christ and not himself. And so he did but that didn’t stop me from drawing strength from him and his faith.
I don’t know. Somehow I think that as long as Benedict lives, I shall be looking for him and waiting for his shadow to fall on me. And I don’t really know what to do with that. Even begging for him and with him, doesn’t bring peace or closure. It does bring a different kind of feeling that I am contributing to something larger than myself. I believe in prayer. But, I just feel like crying, wishing the void wasn’t so large and not praying.
So, tonight and this week I ask anyone who finds this post for your prayers for my renewal and enlightenment. I’m lost.